sept. national suicide awareness month

from meeting me, most close friends have admitted that they would have never expected me to have lost a sister to suicide. i have never been able to place why i give off that impression. i am a highly talkative, interpersonal person, and perhaps my constant state of bubbly detracts from the idea that someone so “upbeat” has been through tragedy. but this is simply not true. and something i, since my sister’s death, wish to make clear: everyone is going through a battle we know nothing about (Brad Meltzer). i have had the privilege of being around family & friends who have helped me in this process, but it is nowhere near over. sometimes i imagine my sister walking in from her evening shifts at the chocolate shop, and the dagger hits the wound all over again.

i’ve never wanted to publish my writing. but i have always wanted to tell my story: scream it, actually, from the rooftops — so people who have had suicidal thoughts/have experienced anything close can know they can come to me. i am a safe space; i know.

i won’t go into the nitty-gritty details — though if you ever want to hear those, i will not hesitate. it’s been four years since caroline’s been gone, and i’ve gotten pretty good at talking about it. i don’t want to stay silent any more. dear friends, we have to hold close to the ones we love: i am serious. suicide is real, it is people in pain, it begs us not to judge each other or try to put words in anyone’s mouth — it is not a phase, it is not fleeting— is it real. it needs us to be a presence, a person, in someone else’s life. do you see the one who does not have a lot of friends? do you feel like you couldn’t possibly make it to that social event because it makes you nervous? is getting out of bed hard? do you feel like you’ll never be good enough, no matter how hard you try? with our world, it’s current state — it’s no wonder we individually struggle, every single day. there is so much to be concerned by, so much to be worried by. but you know what? please, please, don’t let go. if you don’t feel like enough, if you’ve gone through that separation from someone and you don’t know who you are any more, if you have nothing left to give but everyone keeps taking, if you feel like a speck that not even God sees, that is untrue. that is false, those are lies. you matter.

you are important. you are dear, dear, dear. you are seen, heard — and if you don’t feel like you are, come to me. i swear, whether i know you or not, contact me. this world can be so cruel, it can beat us down until we feel like nothing — but you have made it this far. why not see what is just around the corner? i know it’s painful. i know the road seems bleak. but you’re okay. you are loved.

for those of you who have lost someone to suicide — a quote i’ve been comforted by: “you are with me, even when you are not”

precious friends. we are beautiful, beautiful people — with our own unique skill sets, laughs, pet peeves, qualities — beautiful, beautiful things. hold close to each other. we have got to be people of love: advocate for the ones you notice. do not exclude. include. no one is better than anyone else — Caroline loved to tell me this.

dear friends. hold close the ones you love. tell them you love them, constantly. and hold on.